Dear {{first_name}},
I don’t think it’s a secret that I really love music. When I’m in my office I listen to music almost all the time to help me work. The music I choose fits the mood and the tone of what I’m working on. Each year I share this love of music with you in the form of the supplemental booklets you receive at services. The bulk of these booklets are lyrics to songs that for one reason or another have evoked an emotional response in me. This year’s music will be no different and I can’t wait to hear your thoughts over the holidays. I was sitting in my office tonight, thinking of a song I didn’t remember to put in the booklet and I’m so disappointed. The lyric I keep singing to myself is: “Hold me now, it’s hard for me to say I’m sorry, I just want you to stay.” The reason this came to mind is that I was reflecting on the painful and difficult nature of the word sorry. All too often we struggle to say that word because of what comes with it: admission of guilt, self-reflection of having been wrong, being seen as the aggressor and/or the victim and so much more. For many of us, we hold onto a disagreement or a fight because we cannot find the exit we need. We hold onto bitterness and our own point of view because to let go and say sorry leaves us all too vulnerable and thus we just keep going without making a mend. In fact, “it’s hard for me to say I’m sorry.”
In the course of an apology, there are two sides of the process: “The apologizer” and “the forgiver.” We had a great conversation at camp this summer about this process. We often think of it as a transactional event. We say sorry and the other person says something like “oh it’s not such a big deal.” The problem is, it might very well have been a big deal. The reality is we’re expected to say we forgive but we don’t always mean it, and at times we’re forced to forgive before we’re even remotely ready to do so. The famous 18th century English poet, Alexander Pope, famously wrote “To err is human, to forgive, Divine.” This is a true idea and yet it’s a hard pill for us to swallow. The Rambam, in his Mishneh Torah, wrote about the laws of Repentance and in his second chapter on the subject he lays out a process for repenting for us to follow. For instance, “what is complete repentance? He who once more had it in his power to repeat a violation but separated himself therefrom, and did not do it because of repentance, not out of fear or lack of strength.” That’s the conclusion of the process, but it’s given at the beginning. In keeping with both Mishnaic and Talmudic views on Teshuvah, the Rambam explained that sins between humans and God can be forgiven by God but only the aggrieved party can forgive us for having hurt them. The Rambam elaborated on this by explaining “It is forbidden for man to be ill-natured and unforgiving, for he must be easily appeased but hard to wrath; and when a sinner implores him for pardon, he should grant him pardon wholeheartedly and soulfully. Even if one persecuted him and sinned against him exceedingly he should not be vengeful and grudge-bearing, for such is the path of the seed of Israel and of their excellent heart.”
At this time of year, we’re looking for forgiveness from God and from others as well. We all must fully understand just how hard it is to say I’m sorry. It’s grueling and painful but it’s a necessary part of life. Find opportunities to make time to apologize to everyone you have offended this past year. I’m sure none of us will be able to apologize to everyone, but we can try to do the best we can. I, for one, try to be the best rabbi for you each day and yet I know there are times that I’ve missed the mark. I know I haven’t called when I should have. I know decisions I made have upset people. I know I haven’t learned every person’s name and I sincerely want to know everyone at OVS. I know I haven’t always returned emails or messages. For all of these things, and so much more, I am very sorry. I can and will do better for you and for our community.
Moshe Ibn Ezra wrote “No sin is so light that it may be overlooked; no sin is so heavy that it may not be repented of.” As we look deeper and deeper each of us needs to understand that little mistakes matter and major ones can still be made right. We all have the ability to apologize and we all have the ability to forgive in due time. While Rabbi Israel Salanter said “As long as the candle burns – I can still do some mending,” I would rather look at the words of Hillel, “If not now, when?” We cannot put off this hard work and the best time to begin anything hard is now. So, lets each walk this path together and side by side we’ll find the ways we need to say we’re sorry and then find the space in our hearts to forgive.
One of the great rituals of the High Holidays that’s linked to forgiveness and apologizing is the tashlich service. Last year, we had the great treat of traveling as a community to Camp Ramah Darom in Clayton, GA and spending the day improving through archery, rope climbing, hiking and so much more, along with a hike to the waterfall where we threw away our sins with bread and dissolvable paper. We are doing the same thing again this year and we hope you’ll join us as our community moves forward. We’ll be meeting at Camp Ramah Darom on Sunday, October 2, 2022 from 11:00 am to 4:00 pm. Please click here to make your reservation: orveshalom.org/event/FieldDay2022.
Tizkoo L’Shanim Rabot.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Hearshen
