Dear {{first_name}},
What does it mean to raise a child? I remember when Carrie was pregnant with Ayelet and she didn’t feel her kicking at one point. We rushed to the OB’s office and the OB examined her, smiled, and looked at us and said “welcome to the rest of your life.” The minute that you choose to have children you have left yourself vulnerable to some incredibly difficult emotions. Children elicit the greatest joys that there are, and at the same time some of the greatest fears and sadness. I don’t know about you but I spend an absurd amount of time each day worrying about Ayelet and Galit. I wake up in the middle of the night with some fatherly “spidey sense” that something is wrong with one or both of them. I’ve been known to wake them by mistake when I tried to sneak into their rooms to check on them. I’ve gotten too close to them to check breathing status. I’ve done it all. I’ve been cursed with seeing disasters before they happen. I have the wrinkles and grey hair to prove it.
Ayelet was born on the Shabbat of this week’s Torah reading. In this week’s Parshah, Abraham and Sarah were promised to have a child and that promise was fulfilled. It was not easy for us to have Ayelet. We went through IVF to make it happen. The text talks about the circumcision and weaning of Isaac. It talks about Sarah’s jealousy of Abraham’s other son and his mother, Hagar, and how Abraham kicks them out. The Parasha ends with the famous story of the עקידת יצחק, the binding of Isaac, and the ultimate destruction of a parent/child relation. It’s easy to see there’s much to do with parenting do’s and don’ts in this Parasha. Well, I guess it’s more about the don’ts.
As such, I have been thinking a great deal this week about being the parent of an incredible daughter about to become a Bat Mitzvah. In the past we’ve thought of the B’nai Mitzvah as entering adulthood. It’s not. It’s all about more obligations. It’s all about entering a more intense relationship with God. I do not know how to parent a teen. But I do know that as Ayelet and Galit have aged, I’ve grown as a parent. With that said, I think there’s a deeper issue to look at and that’s letting go. The fears I spoke of in the beginning of this article are dependent on relationship. When we’re in a relationship, we need to see that we constantly fear losing that relationship. At the same time, that fear holds us back from truly loving and caring for that person.
Letting go of a child’s hand is hard. It’s hard on the first day of school, the beginning of camp and when they go out with friends for the first time. Letting go of the control we have over our progeny is difficult because we fear the unknown. But letting go of that control means we believe in them… trust in their choices… and care enough about them to let them go out on their own. A favorite Israeli song of mine is עוף גוזל and while I know that it’s a bit early for me to see Ayelet in such a way… it feels like letting go is so hard.
My little birds have left the nest
Spread their wings and flew away
And I, an old bird, remained in the nest
Really hoping that everything will be alright.
I always knew the day would come
When we’d have to part
But now it came to me so suddenly
So what’s the wonder that I’m a bit concerned.
Fly, little bird
Cut through the sky
Fly to wherever you want
Just don’t forget
There’s an eagle in the sky
Be cautious…
We are now alone in the nest
But we are together
Hold me tight and tell me yes
Do not worry, it’s fun to grow old together
Fly, little bird…
I know that it’s just nature
I also left a nest
But now when the moment comes
I get choked up (in the throat)
I get choked up…
Fly, little bird…
Letting go will never be easy in anything and everything we do. We are creatures of habit and we like the world as it is… as we have grown accustomed to it being. Letting go is hard because it means we have to accept a world with a bit less control than we would like. Letting go is hard but it’s an enormous part of being human. We all need to see progress and good. We all need to see change and growth as good. We all need to let go a bit more often to allow all that we love to grow and move forward.
I love you so much Ayelet. I am so proud of you and I want you to know that while letting go of you is so hard… I trust you and believe in you. You are incredible and I am so thankful to share this life with you.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Hearshen
